If You Leave
by In-D Surf
Summary: Cody struggles after their mom leaves him and Zack. It’s not until you’ve lost everything, that you’re free to do anything.
1. Little Thoughts

**Summary:** Cody struggles after their mom leaves him and Zack. – It's not until you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything.

**Note:** So, this is my first fan fiction... The quotes in the beginnings of chapters are mostly from Fight Club (well, it is my favorite movie… haha) and the first chapter is mainly setting up the rest. The italics are his memories/dream and those parts have already happened. The regular fonts (no italics) are the points in present time where he'ssleeping.It's in 3rd person sort of and this is the only chapter with extensive past events I guess...

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, I don't own it.

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**Little Thoughts **

_If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person? _

_The cold air took breaths into Cody's mouth. The chill was exhausting and he wrapped his arms around his chest. He rested his back against the wall slowly. And he'd been so sure, still a note on the wall said differently – "This isn't going to work out." Tracing the lines of the pencil scratches with his fingers, he'd taken it to Zack. At 13, things weren't meant to be so strange. But still, she'd left. Mom, a word that rolls of the tongue so lightly, so carefully. _

_And here they were, resting on the wall, two 13-year-old boys, pushed up against each other's shoulders. Cody folded the letter between his fingers and slipped it into his pocket. Zack held his brother's hand softly. Zack searched inside his own pocket for his cell phone. He had no idea of who to call._

Three years passed in a detached mode – slowing here for moments, passing over other thoughts in quick progression. And this form would be repeated until finally, it would come apart suddenly, and after which it might as well have never happened.

_Cody and Zack sat quietly on a bench in an office building with heavy fluorescent lights pouring over the room. A sign on the far end of the room filled with desks, computers, and hurried people – "Child Services." A woman in a dark suit with long brown hair came over and offered water, which they turned down. She flashed a smile and returned to her desk to file more papers into a filing cabinet across from her cubicle. On the opposite desk across from her, the man that had brought them here was arguing on the phone. The arguing made Zack and Cody subconsciously nervous. Zack kicked at his dark blue duffle bag that held his clothes inside and Cody rubbed his hands on his jacket. Another person led Zack and Cody out the door. Rain clouds dropped water over them and Zack covered his and Cody's head with his own jacket. Cody carried his bag reluctantly and allowed it to drag over the concrete scraping holes into the bottom. Both he and Zack then climbed into the back seat of a dark car._

Cody kicked at his blanket on his bed and exposed his toes at the end of the coverings and curled them in the cold before returning defeated back into the covered form.

_Cody silently counted the passing street lights cemented into the ground that left a golden glow over the road. Zack rested his head on Cody's shoulder in the back seat. Cody rubbed his arms in a comforting motion and let his eyes drift from the window to the inside of the car. In the front, the dashboard was littered with coffee cups, wrappers, a clock – 11:34 PM, a jacket, papers, and a pen. Cody wasn't sure where he was going but was relieved Zack was with him. _

_The man driving the car, Stephen, slowly parked the car outside an apartment complex and turned to look at Zack and Cody – "Wait in the car for just a little bit, okay?" Stephen got out and left Cody and Zack uncomfortably waiting in the car. Stephen opened the trunk and removed their duffle bags and set them on the curb. He then left them in the car and walked inside the apartment complex. Several minutes later he came out and explained to them that this was where they were going to stay for a little while – "This is where I leave you." Cody and Zack stepped out of the car and grabbed their bags. "Not again," Cody thought to himself and slipped his hand into his brother's unnoticed._

Cody struggled with himself in his bed as he turned over wrapping deeper into his blanket. He pushed his hands through the cracks and ran them through his hair before falling back into his sleep.

_Cody curled into his jacket as Zack leaned against him and rubbed his back._

_"Zack?" Cody gasped out turning to look Zack in his eyes. _

_"Yeah?" Zack returned. _

_"Zack, why'd she have to leave? I didn't do anything." Cody said, on the verge of breaking down. Cody finally had asked the question that went 11 months without being spoken. _

_"Cody, you didn't do anything wrong. Remember that. The problem wasn't us, it was her. She was the problem. Remember that one time she'd told us that there was nothing she enjoyed about being a mother?" Zack asked him as he slipped a hand around Cody's waist. "That was the problem." _

_"Yeah, now, she doesn't have to." Cody told him back, curling into him. _

_"Don't worry, I'm always here for you. Shut your eyes, little brother," Zack told him softly. Cody moved around on the seat until he felt comfortable. Zack sighed relief and pulled his brother closer._

Cody sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He got up and slipped into Zack's bed carefully. Cody fell asleep and wrapped his arms around Zack. Somehow, in this temporary home, nothing seemed right.


	2. Lost

**Note:** So, I don't really know if I like it... but whatever. This chapter's not as confusing as the first and it's not about reflection on the past.

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**Lost**

_Losing all hope was freedom_

It was early in the morning and Cody slipped out of Zack's bed. His sleeping pants grazed his ankles with every step. A soft light permeated through each curtain allowing Cody's eyes to adjust to the new light. He made his way through the small room towards a small closet where he bent down and dropped to his knees. His hands dug through a dark blue bag resting in a corner. He pulled out a clean shirt and threw it over his head. Cautiously, he stood up and walked out of the room closing the door softly behind him looking at Zack's bed before he left.

Cody looked down the hallway. It was darker in here; only one window sat at the end of the hallway and overlooked a dark street. Cody's feet left little footprints on the floor as he passed other bedrooms on his way to the bathroom. Inside, he brushed his teeth carefully and washed his face. Cody stared at his reflection in the mirror and felt an emotion rising up from the hollow inside. His eyes, they looked so… empty. Cody threw it off his mind and thought of taking a shower.

Cody turned the shower's water on slowly so it wouldn't make as much of a sound and tested it gently with his palm. Cody showered relaxed allowing the warm water pour over his head and down the small of his back. Afterwards, he dried and clothed himself.

Cody palmed the doorknob, turning it lightly, still afraid of making too much noise. He quickly paced the length of the hallway and entered his room again. Zack stirred and pushed his blanket off of himself. He turned to look at Cody with a strange, half-woken-up look. Cody stood in the doorway looking at him.

"Err, was… that you?" Zack managed, still on the verge of falling back into sleep.

"Oh, yeah. I just took a shower." Cody said in response. Cody left his position in the doorway and moved back towards the closet to search through his bag again. Then Cody returned to sit on his bed pulling shoes and socks on. Cody was relieved Zack hadn't asked about the night before. He didn't want Zack to know he still worried about these things. It'd been three years. He didn't need this.

"No. Not then… Last night." Zack let out. Cody stopped moving nervously around. Zack watched Cody. Cody looked at him slowly and turned his sight to his bag again, which he kept digging through.

"Where're you going?" he pressed on.

"Nowhere, I just want to get some air." Cody played it off.

"Cody. I'm here, if you want…" Zack offered. He knew it wasn't as easy for Cody. He didn't want to pressure him though, so he would let Cody come to him. He would give Cody his space for now. Sooner or later, he would come.

Cody replied with a nod and turned off his bed to walk out the door. Zack made to get out of bed.

This temporary home wasn't right. He'd never felt right here. But, then again, were they supposed to feel right? Were you really supposed to feel "comfortable" in a place like this? He didn't need any of this. It's not like he was orphaned. He had parents, a mom, a dad. It's just; he didn't know where they were and they didn't know where he was.

Cody took several deep breaths before proceeding down the stairs, which met the concreted sidewalk. Cody turned to meet the sidewalk full on. Cody ran. He ran until his veins pumped battery acid. Somehow, it felt better. Things in his head were numbed. It was as if the volume got turned down and only certain things mattered now.

Cody sat down on a wall and placed his heavy, tired head into his hands, which he rested on his knees. Slowly, he pulled himself into a ball, supported by the street wall. Passerbies didn't notice him, content in his own, settled area. Small streaks of liquid ran down his face. He didn't know why he was crying, why he was making a deal out of nothing. Something had shaken him up and he was about to start making it "better." He'd held it in too long.

Cody had lost all hope of getting out. Getting over that… wall. Somehow, he'd held onto a little piece of himself and her for so long. He'd wanted any way for her to come home, crying, and accept him again.

He reached into his pocket. He pulled a small scrap of paper with pencil scratchings so distorted you could barely make out the words – "This isn't going to work out." Cody sobbed when he read it over again. It'd been so long and he'd almost lost hope of finding it earlier this morning when he dug through his bag earlier. Cody didn't know why keeping it was such a big deal. Maybe because it was the last thing she'd held before she left and now it was in his hands, as if he was holding her hand again. _No_, he told himself. He didn't need that. He didn't need her. This was all too much and he didn't need it.

Cody read it one more time and folded it carefully along the creased lines. He wanted to leave it so badly. He couldn't do it though. He couldn't bring himself to leave the last piece of his mom down. Where would he put it? Should he just throw it down, kick it to the street, turn and walk away? The frustration ate at him. Cody saw a phone booth and walked into it sliding the door behind him. He opened the phone book and set it on the inside scribbling a small note next to its position – "I never needed you."

He needed to talk to Zack. He turned to walk home but stopped short when he turned the corner to look at the group home. He hated it. He didn't need any of it. Cody unhurriedly made his way up the steps and turned the doorknob. Cody peered watchfully into the entrance room before quickly running up the steps and jumping into his and Zack's room.

"Hey," Cody said.

"Hey, little bro," Zack said. "Are you okay?" Zack looked at him as if Cody sat on an examining table, looking at every detail. Tear streaks ran down his face and his eyes were red. His hair was wet and messy. His clothes were dirty.

"Zack, I just don't know anymore," Cody told him slowly. Cody turned around subconsciously to look at the door and locked it. Zack sat on his bed with a magazine in his hand and waited for Cody.

Cody left his shoes by the door and took off his dirty shirt. He went to sit next to Zack.

"When I was gone, I ran," Cody started. "I ran until it hurt and until I couldn't move again. It felt good, Zack." Cody dug his toes into the covers of the bed. He felt a swelling inside his head. Zack turned to look at him closer and ran a hand through his hair.

"Cody, it's okay," Zack said reaching a hand out for Cody.

"No! It's not! Don't you get it? It's never going to be okay until we get out. Things don't just "get better," not things like this, Zack!" Cody suddenly broke.

Things stopped in place. Zack pulled his brother closer with both hands. "I got rid of that note, Zack," Cody told him between sobs.

"Things are gonna get better. I promise," Zack reassured him and he slipped his arms around Cody's waist.


	3. Swallowed

**Note:** Ok, so it's been a while since I updated and I'm sorry. I just never could think of a way for it to go until now. I've decided that the "group home" part should not be the focus for the story and have switched the plot making chapters 1 and 2 developing parts. This is the way I think I want it to go.

So, this chapter is going to be very confusing unless you read this note, so **read this note** haha as it's very important. This chapter is heavily based on _Requiem for a Dream._ _Requiem for a Dream_is a movie that is basically all about drugs and money and the peoples lives as they spiral downward.

They have now left the group home and are 18 living in LA in a small apartment. Cody has a girlfriend named Lauren who also lives with them. This one basically drops in as everything is beginning to fall apart. The "fun" that they first experienced with the drugs is almost gone and everything is shellshocked. Lauren is having to sell sex for money now. Cody, at one point, relapses and has a breakdown while Zack is passed out. Everything is falling apart.

This chapter is very harsh. I also want everyone to realize that drugs are not good and neither is prostitution.

Longest note ever, huh? I should probably start the chapter... now.

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**Swallowed **

_On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero._

Zack sat with his back against the cold wall inside this small room and thumbed at the coins resting in his palm. He felt himself coming down. Lauren had turned all the lights off as she left. Zack spread himself out on the floor stretching his body in different directions and squeezing his eyes tight. He rolled over onto his back and looked through the window from the corners of his eyes.

The lights danced in his mind leaving little trails behind as a slow golden hit. His eyes closed slowly before drifting out of consciousness. A few coins rolled out of his fingers before spinning noisily and settling on the concrete floor of the apartment.

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Cody walked the streets below slowly. Lauren slipped her hand into his. He grasped it welcomingly and stopped on the corner turning her around by the shoulders with his free hand.

He stuck his hand into the rear pocket of his jeans and reached a small roll of cash. He pushed the hair out of her face before pulling her close and kissing her forehead and resting his head on hers.

"You can do this. I know it," he told her. "Don't be worried. We need this," he whispered into her hair again.

"I love you," she told him and took the money from his hand and stepped off the street corner.

Walking down the center of the street, she turned off the next block. Cody stood resting his back against the street corner. They needed this hit. He rested his hand on his forearm across his chest. Come on. He turned around and headed back towards Zack.

Cody reached the metal doors to the complex. He opened them and reached the stainless-steel elevator. The buttons inside were worn and overused. The lights flickered and Cody's eyes tensed. His palms were starting to sweat and he rocked back and forth anxiously. _Addiction_, he told himself. Things weren't meant to be this way. Not now. _Too late_, he kicked himself again.

Cody reached the 25th floor and turned down another fluorescent hallway with interwoven doors. 2516. He thumbed his key and twisted it inside the lock. _Click_. Cody enjoyed the sound. He entered to find Zack spread-eagled on the floor. Coins were scattered across the floor reflecting the city lights into Cody's eyes.

Suddenly, everything broke in his mind. Everything. _The windows shattered leaving shards of glass floating mid-air. The coins lifted from the ground and rotated around the room. The TV exploded and rapidly light flushed the white washed walls. The walls expanded and shrank at will closing the room._

Cody curled onto the ground wrapping his arms around his knees, pushing his head further into his arms. He didn't know what was happening.

_The doors banged open and closed shattering the lock._ _No_, he thought to himself helplessly. _The hallway lights burned his skin._

Cody screamed. He screamed until his lungs burned and eyes were red. _The coins turned and repeatedly hit him in the head. _His eyes closed slowly and he drifted out of consciousness also.

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Lauren walked several blocks before reaching a small fenced in parking lot. _Come on_, she told herself. A dark car was parked in the back. She reached it and tapped the glass noticing her reflection. Exhausted. The window retreated slowly into the car door and a dark silhouette emerged.

"So, you wanna do this?" he asked. His voice wasn't welcoming. She wanted Cody. _No, he needs this_, she told herself again. _For Cody_.

Lauren opened the back door and got in reluctantly. The car turned around slowly and left the parking lot tracing down the dark streets and Laurne counted the passing street lights leaving slow golden trails on the passing buildings.

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Zack came to with a pounding headache. His chest was rising rapidly and his forehead dripped with a cold sweat. As he sat up he rubbed at his arms and the small of his forearm, harboring a single hole in his veins. _Drugs_, he thought again. He played off the guilty feeling again. He looked around for Cody or Lauren. _It was still dark, they might not be home_. As he stood up and walked towards the bathroom, he noticed Cody curled into a tight ball silently crying to himself speak softly to himself incoherently. _What the hell_, he thought.

"Cody," Zack said. "Wake up. Why are you talking like that? Cody?" Zack shook his shoulders pushing his legs away from his waist forcing Cody to lie regularly.

_How long have I been out_, he thought to himself. A small clock in the corner of the room told him it was 4:37. _So, it must've been hours, right_, he reassured himself.

"Cody, get up, please," Zack tried desperately getting worried. Lauren must still be getting the hit. "Cody, c'mon buddy."

Zack sat on the floor holding Cody's form in his arms. He slipped his arms around his waist and held his hand staring at his face. They were tear streaked. _What happened_, he thought.

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"Zack, the room… exploded. Everything was breaking. And your coins. They knocked me out, Zack. I didn't know what to do," Cody replayed his trip to Zack. Cody gripped Zack's shirt and buried his face into it. "I was so scared, Zack. I screamed until my lungs exploded too, Zack." Cody relived it over and over.

"Cody, you just had a trip but everything is okay now. I promise you that you're going to be fine. I'm here and you're gonna be okay. I won't leave you," Zack reassured him. Zack sat with Cody on the concrete floor, holding him resting against the wall.

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Lauren had returned, throwing a bag on the table before retreating to the bathroom without saying a word. She slammed the door cursing to herself. She looked into the mirror looking at her face. She cried into the sink.

Quickly, she turned the water on as hot as it would go and got in the shower, burning her skin. She yelled. _Hell, I would do that too_, Zack thought helplessly. Zack was still holding Cody in his arms against the wall. Cody had fallen asleep again from exhaustion.

_I just don't know what to do_, Zack thought.


End file.
